i haven’t had a shower in like four days and i haven’t had a real meal or a full night’s sleep in a week and the thought of work makes my heart beat so fast i get nauseous and the thought of sex makes me feel ill/like crying
how long does this normally last
also why am i telling this to the internet
thirty days to go
I’ve been comforting myself about present stress by making lists of beautiful plans for once this next month is over. I don’t know if that’s unhelpful or not-I guess it’s a kind of procrastination-but it’s giving me hope that life goes on after school and that things are going to be beautiful no matter what. Making plans makes me feel like I’m finally coming back to myself after this horrible year.
ugh why am i such a fuck up :[
This medicine is hurting like hell to swallow but it seems to be working fast. I’m developing an arsenal of things to remind my heart when I start thinking in the wrong direction. For the next two months I don’t really have the luxury of time for emotional indulgence. Okay. No more tumblr for today. I’m going to switch off my phone and my internet and go to a secret place and work hard for the rest of the day. I keep comforting myself with that Thomas Carlyle quote (it’s supposed to be Thomas Carlyle, at least, but I got it from a cheap calendar at my desk job, so it’s probably a misquote) “Work is the grand cure of all the maladies and miseries that ever beset mankind.”
Staying by myself in a house in the mountains with a herb garden and a record player. I’ll go for long, fresh walks every morning and start writing properly again and practise my violin and at night I’ll listen to sad records and cry and I’ll stay there til my heart feels a tiny bit less sore.
The frustrating thing is that there’s still weeks until I can be truly free, weeks before I can really start again. And in that month I have an impossibly large, impossibly difficult amount of work to do. Already the last four days there’s been a clump of anxiety in my stomach that won’t go away. Of course starting this blog is a form of procrastination, but it’s also because I need an escape for a while.
(Source: , via samirimi)